


Home is Where I'm Meant to Be

by mogiah



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: (A bit more angst I guess?), (I'm sorry I'm really bad at tagging), Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-04 16:25:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11559000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mogiah/pseuds/mogiah
Summary: When Finn wakes up, they tell him he has a choice.Staying has never been his plan.





	Home is Where I'm Meant to Be

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with another stormpilot one-shot and I can't help it, I love these two way too much.  
> This idea popped into my mind ages ago, while I was fantasising about 'what could happen if Finn decided to leave?' and yeah, this happened.
> 
> This work was not beta'd, all mistakes are mine, forgive me! I hope you still get to enjoy it.

His first instinct had been to run.

Finn didn’t know exactly when or how but the feeling had always been there. _This feels wrong_ and he suddenly couldn’t shoot and all his mind could think of was, _run._

The hint of hope he felt, burning in his bones as he realised he had a chance to escape. The feeling he almost called happiness when they were out, he and Poe Dameron, out in the sky and away from the Order. The moment he realised he lost everything but gained a jacket, a name, his _freedom_.

He never meant to stay and complete Poe’s mission, and yet he did.

His first instinct had been to run, and he almost did, but something kept him anchored to a cause he didn’t want to fight for. He only wanted to get Rey out of Kylo Ren’s grasp and keep on running.

 

When he woke up three days after his back had been almost sliced open by Kylo’s lightsaber, and Rey was gone, Finn found that the only thing that was keeping him from running had run away herself to find the last Jedi and he wasn’t needed anymore. So twenty-four days later, after several physical therapy sessions, the doctor told him he was free to go and to _choose._

“You can stay and do more physical therapy,” she said, her smile the gentlest he'd ever seen. “Or you can leave.”

“I can leave?” Finn asked. He knew the Resistance was nothing like the First Order but being able to choose was still something that made him feel dizzy.

“Of course you can,” the doctor, Kalonia, said. “You can do whatever you want. You ended up in the Resistance by accident, you didn’t volunteer. We didn’t call you. You’re free to go if that’s what you want.”

“But?”

Kalonia smiled and Finn like that. People being nice to him was a foreign concept, something he still wasn’t sure he deserved but he let himself enjoy it.

“But,” Kalonia continued and she helped him lay down on the bed. “The Resistance needs you. I’m not going to lie, we can probably use your knowledge but we ain’t forcing you to stay. If leave is what you wish to do, then we will let you.”

Finn hummed, nodding quietly, thinking about his options. He could run, leave, go as far away as he could with the nothingness he had. He could stay, but do what? Once he ran out of new information about the First Order, they surely weren’t going to keep him.

“You don’t have to decide now,” Kalonia said. “You have time. Not much but not little. You can stay in the medbay for a couple of days more.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled at him and before she left, she turned around and gave him a sympathetic look.

“I think you should also know that if you leave, Commander Dameron is going to miss you dearly. And even BB-8, I’d dare to say.”

Finn almost snorted because he really couldn’t see BB-8 missing him. He would probably help him find the ship that would take him away.

Poe. Finn turned his head so that he was facing the window near his bed and he sighed. Poe was probably going to miss him. He knew he was going to miss _him_ because in the almost four weeks he had been awake, Poe had always been there. He was the first face his face saw when his eyes had finally opened. His shiny smile had been there, too, and Finn felt warm inside every time Poe gifted him with it. He’d been there when he'd started physical therapy and had given him encouraging words all through it.

Finn liked it when Poe stopped by the medbay just to say hello, or when he brought him food from the mess hall. Though what he liked the most was Poe sitting down on the chair next to his bed and staying with him for the entire evening until both had to sleep.

They talked, a lot, but it was mostly Poe telling him stories about the world he didn’t know of and Finn listened, his mind filling with images of worlds he so much wished he could visit. He felt ashamed of his thoughts but those stories made him want to run away even more.

He was raised to become a soldier, a killing machine, and there was nothing guaranteeing him that he would survive this war if he stayed with the Resistance. But what if he ran away? Where would he go? Would he survive out there with no knowledge of the world he was stepping in?

Finn didn’t know but somehow, the idea of figuring out on his own how to survive was better than thinking he could die tomorrow if he stayed.

 

Poe’s face was what made him forget he had a battle going on inside of him the morning after. When he saw him, his own face lit up and the smile Poe offered him was sincere and yet something dark was shadowing it.

“What’s wrong?” Finn asked as soon as Poe sat down next to him. Poe still kept his smile on.

“Blue Squadron came back from Starkiller Base,” he replied. “They found him.”

Finn’s breath got sucked up into his lungs and he reached out to hold his friend’s hand. Poe’s face softened up and Finn could see how grateful he was for his support.

In the past three weeks they had sent pilots back and forth to retrieve the bodies of those who were gone.

Not much was left of the planet. It wasn’t completely gone and most of it was still burning, a star in the galaxy that had done its job and was now dying. The First Order was now nowhere near it. The first time the pilots found a safe place where to land, they found nothing but Bastian had insisted on coming back and after three trips, the first corpse was found. So they went back and forth and finally, Han Solo’s dead body was brought home.

“How’s the General?” Finn asked.

“She doesn’t let people see her grieve but I can see how pain is weighing on her shoulders. But she’s the strongest person I’ve ever met and I know she will survive this.”

Finn nodded, humming softly, and his thumb started to make small invisible rounds on the back of Poe’s hand. He really didn’t notice he was doing it, even if his eyes were fixed on their hands.

He felt at ease, his soul soothed, and his mind went far away for a moment.

“There’s going to be a funeral in three days,” Poe continued after a while. The silence hadn’t been uncomfortable at all.

Finn nodded again. He knew what a funeral was, he just never got the chance to attend one. Back in the First Order, when a trooper died, you just acknowledged it in silence and no memorial service was held.

“For Han and the pilots?” Finn asked.

“Yeah. We wanted to wait, make one ceremony for all of them together. It’s easier this way.”

Finn frowned for a moment. “How is it easier?”

“Well, first of all, there’s a war going on and we don’t know when we’ll get the chance to do this again,” Poe said with a little smile on his lips. Then, in just a fraction of a second, it died down. “And it’s easier when you can do it all at once. If we held eighteen funerals we would never stop grieving. It gets a bit too much.”

“So, you get to grieve just for one day?”

It was Poe’s turn to frown and he moved a bit closer, adjusting their hands on the bed. “We get to grieve together for just one day. But this kind of pain never leaves, not really. It stays forever. What I meant was that when you dedicate a full day to commemorate the people you loved, it’s hard. Emotions get the best of you and you can’t help but be vulnerable. If we grieved them separately, we wouldn’t bear it. There’s just so much the human body can tolerate.”

“And there’s no time.”

Poe laughed, softly. “And there’s no time. War sucks.”

“It surely does.”

Poe gave him another warm smile and he straightened up his posture, his smile getting lighter.

“How did the last check up go?” he asked.

“Good, Kalonia said I’m free to go. No need for me to stay in this bed anymore.”

Poe’s face lit up and Finn saw some sparkling in his eyes as if this was the best news he could ever receive.

“That’s great, buddy!” Poe said, squeezing his hands. “Do you already know where you’re going to go next?”

“I’m not sure,” Finn said, lowering his voice. Somehow, he feared Poe didn’t really know what he’d just asked him. “I still have to decide.”

“Decide? You mean there are other people you’d like to bunk with?”

Poe was smiling, smirking almost, and that made it ten times harder to say the next words.

“If I want to stay.”

Poe’s face fell, as if someone had turned off the sun and told him he couldn’t fly anymore. Finn felt his chest tighten and tried to control his breaths.

“Right,” Poe said. His grip loosened and Finn could feel the air slip between their fingers. “Of course. I’m sorry I assumed you were going to stay.”

“I don’t know yet,” Finn quickly said. “I really don’t know what to do. I have to figure things out.”

Poe smiled at him, sincerely, and Finn felt a bit more relaxed, less guilty. “I understand.”

And Finn really hoped he did.

 

The next time Poe came to visit him, Finn was finishing his physical therapy session.

The medi-droid helped him sit down on his bed and Finn felt like he had the energy to do just that. It was hard, to get back on his feet, and right now all he wanted to do was sleep. But as soon as Poe entered the room, followed by his loyal BB-8, he found he still had a bit of energy to sit up and talk.

“Hey buddy,” Poe said, approaching him. The medi-droid rolled back and disappeared behind the curtains. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Finn answered, breathing heavily. “Physical therapy surely isn’t easy.”

“Yeah, it’s hard, but you’ll get better, I promise,” Poe said. He sat down and BB-8 stopped next to him, beeping something quite quickly. “BB-8 says he hopes you get better soon.”

“Did he really say that?” Finn asked and eyed Poe suspiciously. When Poe smirked, he laughed.

“Something like that,” Poe answered. BB-8 beeped angrily and Poe just patted his dome, which, incredibly, calmed him down. It always amazed Finn how human BB-8 was.

“How come you’re here?” Finn suddenly asked. It was the middle of the afternoon and it was quite unusual for Poe to be there at that time of the day.

“Had nothing interesting to do,” he replied, shrugging. “Thought I might spend time with you.”

Finn could feel his unsaid words lingering in the air between them, and he knew he put them there, in Poe’s mind, _I don’t know how much time we have left if you leave_.

“I’m glad I can fill up your free time,” Finn said, trying to loosen the situation. “Never thought a Commander could have free time in times like these.”

“Well, right now, we don’t have much to do. The First Order is definitely silent after we destroyed their big bad weapon.”

Finn laughed and he liked it, laughing, laughing with Poe. He wondered if he was going to miss his laugh.

“I guess you’re right,” Finn said. He got lost in his thoughts, eyes fixed on an empty spot on the wall. “I never had the luxury of free time.”

“You have now. And I’m sure you’ll have plenty of it in the future.”

Those words caught his attention and Poe looked mortified and he quickly waved his hands in the air.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to bring this up.”

“It’s okay,” Finn said as he felt his stomach getting heavier. “I guess it’s normal for people to want to know when others are leaving.”

“So you’ve made up your mind?”

Finn’s hand gripped the sheets and he started to play with them, nervously. “This is not my fight.”

“It kind of is, buddy.” Finn looked up, those words far from what he was expecting to hear. “You’re part of this galaxy. We all have to fight. This isn’t just about the Resistance or the First Order.”

“But I don’t belong with either of them. And I feel like I have no reason to stay.”

Finn knew weapons could kill, he’d seen it, he’d almost done it, and he knew how also the Force could kill. He never really knew that words could hurt someone that much and yet, with his statement, he managed to bring hurt in Poe’s eyes.

“Rey will come back,” Poe said and his voice sounded croaked, like he was choking on it.

“She’ll be a Jedi,” Finn said, hands torturing his bed sheets. “She’s not going to need me.”

“But we need you.”

“That’s what Kalonia said.”

“Well, she’s right. You should listen to her.”

The little smile Poe managed to paint on his lips made Finn relax a bit, as if things weren’t completely stiff between them. The words kept playing in his head and he sighed, heavily.

“You won’t need me,” he whispered. “Rey is going to win this war with you by her side. There’s no place for a stormtrooper.”

“ _Ex_ stormtrooper. You’re not that anymore.”

“Somehow, I feel like I’m always going to take some part of it with me. There’s no place for me here.”

When Poe found no words to answer back, Finn suddenly feared that was it, that they were done with the talking and that there was nothing for them in the future.

“This doesn’t mean we won’t see each other again,” Finn said, trying to smile again. “I might come back. I can come and visit you on Yavin IV.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be there, buddy.” Finn looked at him, bewildered. “There’s a high chance this war is going to kill me.”

Finn blinked, his breaths getting heavier, and he didn’t like that, didn’t like how he was feeling, the thought of Poe being dead, he didn’t like any of that. Poe laughed and Finn wondered how he could do _that_.

“Sorry,” he said. “Not exactly the right thing to say to make you stay.”

“You want me to stay?” It was obvious, Finn thought, that Poe wanted him there but hearing it made a completely different effect on his heart.

“Of course,” Poe said, as if the complete and utter truth was the only thing he could say. “But I won’t make you. You’re free to go.”

BB-8 suddenly beeped out loudly and he addressed his words to Poe, who nodded and got up. The droid was already rolling towards the main door.

“I have to go,” Poe said. “The General needs me.”

Finn nodded and words got caught up in his throat. He didn’t know what he wanted to say but he knew there was something he should say.

“I’ll see you around, I guess,” Poe finished. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye.”

Poe said the last words with a soft laugh and with a smile and a nod, he left the medbay in a rush.

Finn stared at the empty door and tried to pinpoint the exact moment he had decided he wasn’t going to stay.

 

Poe didn’t come back in the evening and when a nurse came to retrieve his tray after dinner, he asked for his whereabouts.

“Commander Dameron left this afternoon for a mission,” the nurse said, offering him a smile. “Rapier Squadron needed backup not far from here and they sent pilots to help.”

“When will they come back?”

“I’m not sure. You can never tell with this kind of missions.”

She left and Finn wondered if he had already seen Poe for the last time.

Kalonia came shortly after for a quick check-up, which took less than usual, but her smile was always there.

“Your back is healing quite nicely,” she said as she put away her stethoscope. She took his pulse with her hand and happily nodded when the minute passed. “You’re a strong man, Finn.”

“Don’t really feel that strong,” Finn murmured and when Kalonia eyed him sternly, Finn closed his mouth, smiling awkwardly.

“You’ll be back on your feet before you know it,” she said and patted his good shoulder. She was finishing checking his legs when a nurse came in, knocking lightly on the metal that was holding up the curtains. Finn found it strange that there were no proper rooms in the medbay but tried to appreciate the effort of the privacy they were given. Though curtains didn’t always provide that but then he thought how war doesn’t really let you spare money for doors.

“I’m sorry to bother you, doctor, but Simms needs you. He said something about the new recruits coming tomorrow.”

“Tell him I’ll be there in a couple of minutes. Thank you, Shaina.”

The nurse left, giving them a kind smile, and Kalonia finished writing something on her datapad.

“You’re getting new staff?” Finn asked.

“A few volunteers, yes,” Kalonia replied. She froze, something probably crossing her mind, and when she looked up she had a curious look on her face. “Have you made up your mind?”

“I’m sorry?”

“About what you’re going to do next.”

“Ah. Uh, I think I’m going to leave. It’s best for everyone.”

“Mmh. Not sure if it’s best for everyone but if that’s what you want. There’s a transport ship coming by tomorrow at dawn. They’re taking new recruits and volunteers here. If you want to leave, you might as well go tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“It’s okay if you need more time. I’m just telling you, there’s a transport ship coming tomorrow and you can take it. Or, you can stay and take more time. You know we’re okay with both.”

“But mostly with me staying.” He didn’t know why he had to point it out, he just felt like he had to remind people that he could make his own decisions.

“That would be ideal, yes. We like you. But, you’re a free man now, Finn. Do whatever you want to do.”

She was about to leave when a question popped into Finn’s mind. “When’s the next transport ship going to pass by D’Qar?”

“It’s hard to say,” Kalonia replied. “One or two weeks, maybe. They don’t have a scheduled timetable but they do warn us three days before they’re going to stop by. So that people can get ready.”

Finn nodded, sighing heavily. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now rest, you need all your energy.”

For what, Finn didn’t ask and he surely didn’t think about it because his mind was filled with fresh questions.

He had a chance to leave in just a few hours and the thought of being away from everything was more than appealing. He actually had the chance to live, to get out and be someone new. Go somewhere where no one knew about his past; that he was a stormtrooper, that he’d been on the wrong side for most of his life.

_The wrong side. So am I on the good one, now?_

He knew he was, and why was that a not enough reason to stay?

He didn’t know but as the clock kept on marking the seconds, leaving felt like the right choice.

He tried to sleep, even if for just an hour, but when he rolled over in the bed for the sixteenth time, he decided to get up. The funny feeling in his stomach wasn’t helping him rest.

The thing was, he really didn’t have much to take with him. He had new clothes, which weren’t new at all but he had gladly accepted them. They were Poe’s but the pilot had insisted for him to take them, telling him he needed them more than he did. So he dressed up with Poe’s clothes, left the medbay pyjama on the bed and then his hands carefully reached for the jacket.

Poe had patched it up when he was still asleep and it wasn’t beautiful, most people would’ve probably thrown it away, but he wasn’t most people. Not even Poe.

_Don’t leave without saying goodbye._

He wished Poe had come back, wished he was back on the base so he could say his goodbye. He thought that maybe he still had a chance, that maybe he was back but since it was the middle of the night, he was sleeping. It was unlikely since Poe would’ve probably stopped by the medbay even if it was late, but he still had a chance.

He wrapped himself up with the jacket and when he stepped over the curtains, he went straight to the main door. He still found it hard to walk but he could manage. He only had to get outside and wait for the transport ship.

When he reached the door, he saw Kalonia bent over her little desk. There was a small lamp lighting the datapad she was reading and when she raised her head, her face grew sad.

Finn played with the hem of the jacket, feeling suddenly nervous, because it wasn’t just sadness he was seeing. He could see disappointment in her eyes and he realised that Kalonia had probably been hoping for him to change his mind all along.

“Is Poe back?” Finn dared to ask, his voice so low it was almost a whisper. Kalonia shook her head and didn’t even smile.

“No. He'll probably come back tomorrow morning.”

Finn felt his chest tighten and that was it. That was him leaving.

“Can you...do you mind telling him goodbye? For me?”

Kalonia tried her best to smile but all he got was even more sad waves coming towards him. “I will. Good luck, Finn.”

“You too. Thank you. For everything.”

He left as fast as his legs allowed him to and he never once looked back.

 

* * *

 

 

In the cold hours before the dawn, Finn felt like the loneliest man in the galaxy.

When he asked for directions, he ended up sneaking out of the back door of the base, where the transport ships landed to avoid any kind of traffic on the main runway.

He was sitting on the hard steps of the stairs, eyes fixed on the dark sky of D’Qar, arms wrapped around his knees. He was shaking, the cold wind of the early hours cruel as ever as it pierced through his clothes.

Finn didn’t like waiting and he’d waited all his life for something to change and now he just couldn’t wait any longer to take the next step towards a life away from war.

 _Away from Rey and Poe, too,_ he involuntary thought. But whenever he thought of them, he thought how they belonged with the Resistance. Even Rey, who’d been waiting her whole life for her family on a desert planet and finally found a purpose in life. He just didn’t belong there.

A smile found place on his lips when he thought that he for sure was going to miss BB-8.

A couple of Resistance fighters passed him by, talking animatedly, eyes laughing with their mouths. Finn watched them enter the base and ignored the feeling of tightness in his chest.

He fixed his eyes on the sky and he waited, his leg jiggling impatiently. He wondered, for a moment, if he was waiting for Poe to come back or for the ship to take him away.

The sun was still hiding behind the mountains when a ship exited hyperspace and Finn’s heart skipped a few beats.

He got up, straightened his trousers and tried to even his breaths. It wasn’t a ship meant for fighting, so it had to be the transport ship.

Finn took a few steps forward and waited as the ship completed the landing. Just then, he saw two people standing next to him, eyes almost closed for the little sleep they got and a few bags on their shoulders. Finn took a moment to look at them; there was a young guy, all dressed up with the best Resistance uniform, and Finn thought he was probably going off on some diplomatic mission. A woman was standing to his left and Finn couldn’t hold back a smile when he saw her round belly. She was probably going back home to have the baby. Giving birth in the middle of the war surely wasn’t easy but doing it in a Resistance base was definitely out of question.

He shifted on his feet and swallowed hard, hands opening and closing spasmodically. He felt out of place, guilty, judged, and he tried to ignore every single emotion.

The doors of the ship opened and a flood of people, mostly young ones, stepped out.

They took their bags, laughed, hugged each other goodbye as they took different directions, and Finn couldn’t move. His feet were stuck on the tarmac, his legs wouldn’t respond to his thoughts and he froze, eyes open wide and a heart beating like it was racing against the Force itself.

A tall man stepped out of the transport ship, took his bag and Finn didn’t notice him, not until he stopped by his side. His face was probably showing how torn he was inside.

“You okay, kid?” he asked. Finn stared at the transport ship and shook his head.

“I’m fine,” he ended up saying and felt rather confused. The man laughed and that sound woke Finn up. He turned around and saw a pair of old eyes looking at him. The man was smiling and he gave him a pat on the back, for which Finn winced but tried not to show it.

“You don’t look fine to me, kiddo.”

“I’m just...I’m leaving.”

The man nodded, seeming to understand his situation. “I see. Leaving can be scary.”

Finn made a strange sound with his throat, something that he probably wanted to be a word, though he didn’t know which one. He just stared at the ship and he didn’t like how he was feeling. Why was he feeling like he was going to choke?

“Do you need some company?” the man suddenly asked. Finn looked at him again and frowned.

“You just got here,” he pointed out. The man laughed – old man, Finn noticed. Not too old but not young, either.

“I didn’t mean on the ship. I meant now, while you wait.”

“I don’t think-I should probably go. The ship is going to leave soon.”

“Not that soon. You have at least an hour. They have to power up the ship and rest a bit. D’Qar was the last stop.”

“Ah.”

The man dropped his bag on the stairs and sat down, sighing quite contentedly, and his hands dug in the bag until he found what he was looking for. Finn’s eyes widened with curiosity and he stared at the man as he prepared what he knew was a pipe. He’d seen it in pictures, drawn in the books he’d found in the medbay but he never once had the chance to see one from this close.

The man lit up the pipe and he started to smoke, gaining a few annoyed looks from the passers-by. As he looked up at Finn, he offered him the pipe and smiled, smoke coming out from his closed lips.

“Do you want to try it?”

“What? No, thanks.” Finn blinked. He didn’t know how smoke tasted like in one’s mouth but he surely didn’t like how it smelled. He wasn’t really keen on trying.

“Are you going to sit?” the man asked and Finn almost fell on the stairs next to him, knees back on his chest, arms around them. “It wasn’t an order.”

“I know,” Finn replied and rested his chin on his arms. Somehow, he couldn’t take his eyes off the ship.

They didn’t talk for the first minutes and the sun was still hidden, darkness surrounding the entire planet. He didn’t realise how early it was when he’d exited the medbay.

The man kept on smoking, making Finn cough a few times. He never stopped, though, just laughed and moved a bit farther from him, directing the smoke in the other direction.

“Why are you here?” Finn suddenly asked.

Another puff of smoke. "You looked like you needed some company."

Finn blushed and tried his best not to hide his face between his arms. "Thanks. But that's not what I meant. Why are you here on D'Qar?"

The man smiled. He definitely knew that was what Finn had asked. “I’m here for a friend. I also have family here.”

Finn nodded, hands tightening around his legs. _Family_.

“Are you going back home?” the man asked after another few minutes of silence. Finn sighed, head tilting to his left. He felt a sudden pain where he knew his heart was.

“I don’t know where I come from,” he replied. “I don’t have a home.”

“Home doesn’t have to be a place. It can be someone.”

Finn turned around, baffled and curious at the same time. The man’s eyes were covered by sadness, wisdom and somehow, hurt. Still, he was smiling.

“How can people be your home?” Finn asked, genuinely confused.

“Oh, they can. Trust me, they can,” he replied with a melancholic smile. He shifted to make himself more comfortable and his eyes wandered in the dark woods before them, his mind travelling back in time. “It’s mostly a feeling you get when you meet someone. You feel safe when they’re around and you can’t help but think of them when they’re not there. But somehow, even when they’re not with you, you still feel them.”

Finn felt something tackle him inside, as if he needed to wake up. “You trust them,” the man continued. “You trust them with your life and it just warms your heart to see how much they trust _you_. You’re scared they’ll be gone before you even get the chance to love them properly. Then, when they’re gone, you wonder how many beautiful days you could’ve had if you only had more time.”

The man puffed on his pipe and breathing out, he laughed. “It’s hard to explain but you just know it. You feel at ease, everything just _fits_ and your heart is filled with so much love you can only call it home.”

Finn hummed and he instinctively looked down at his chest, a hand resting over his own heart. Home being a feeling was something he never would’ve thought could be possible.

“So, let me ask you again. Are you going home?”

And his lips answered before his brain could process it. “No.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t leave.”

“But I feel like I don’t belong with the Resistance.”

“Maybe you don't, maybe you do. But the important thing is that you don't have to. You can belong with someone you love and stay."

 _Love_. Did Finn love? Was he _in love_? Neither yes or no felt true, he just felt stuck in the middle and realised he’d been feeling like that for quite a while.

What if he ran away? Would that be choosing a side or getting even more stuck in the middle? Would he manage to create his own home even if he was leaving behind the one he had accidentally and luckily found on D’Qar?

Finn snorted, shaking his head, because he had just thought of D’Qar as his home. But no, not really D’Qar, but something there. _Someone_. He smiled.

“Ah, a smile,” the man said and their gazes met. “I guess you found your home.”

“I’m not completely sure,” Finn answered. “Can someone be your home when you’re not theirs?”

The man laughed and Finn didn’t like it, feeling too much exposed, but there was something soothing about him and the feeling disappeared right away. “You’re talking about love, here. What an amazing thing it is. Moves mountains and wins battles.”

“I don’t think love can do that,” Finn said, laughing at the idea of mountains that _moved_.

“Oh, but it does. Not literally, but love is powerful. If you love someone, kid, just say it. If you’re going to stay, go and tell them you love them. Life’s too short when it comes to war and even when it’s over, life can take love away from you.”

The man was smiling and Finn didn’t understand how he was doing that when his eyes were the saddest ones Finn had ever seen. And he’d seen sad eyes. “I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is love.”

“Then take your time to figure it out. Running away is never the best choice when it comes to love. You’ll regret it in the future and who knows, you might find out that this person is actually your one true love.”

The man laughed softly and Finn’s mind wandered back to the first time he’d seen Poe. Tied up to the chair, blood all over his face, tiredness guiding his slow movements. He could read death in Poe's eyes and it took him just a few words without the helmet to bring back a smile on his face.

Poe’s smile was what kept him warm when he thought the other was dead and when they found each other again, Finn found that he craved for physical contact and Poe’s hands were his source of comfort.

“How long does it take for people to realise they’re in love?” Finn asked after he’d come out from his thoughts.

“There’s no rule,” the man answered. He was cleaning the now empty pipe and he shook it, making the burnt ashes fall on the ground. “Sometimes it takes people years to realise they love someone. Sometimes it takes months or even just days. Then there are the lucky ones, who need just one look to understand they’ve found the one.”

“How long did it take you?” The man laughed and Finn echoed the sound. Finn didn’t know why he felt so at ease with strangers but maybe it was because he’d spent his entire life feeling uncomfortable around people he’d grown up with.

“I’d like to say that I knew right away,” he replied. “But I didn’t. Took me a while, not years but a few weeks. There was a war going on and I didn’t think I could find love in those hard times. She thought the same.”

Finn smiled and his hands let go of his legs, stretching them on the stairs. He looked up when he heard a man shout for the last call. The transport ship was about to leave.

Turning around, he saw that the sun was slowly rising and he hadn’t even noticed it, so caught up in their conversation. The man got up, patting his injured shoulder and Finn tried his best to hold back a scream; he really didn’t want to ruin the mood.

“Well, I guess this is it,” he said. He fixed the bag on his shoulder and smiled. “Thanks for the talk.”

Finn got up and quickly wiped away the dust from his trousers. “I should thank you.”

The man nodded and then pointed at the transport ship. “They’re about to leave.”

Finn knew and just an hour before, he would’ve jumped on the ship and strapped himself in to the seat, eyes closed and no thoughts allowed to cross his mind. Now, he was just standing there, watching as the man shouted for the last _last call_ , and he smiled. The funny feeling was almost gone.

“I know,” Finn replied. He watched as the pilot went back into the ship and the doors closed, his chance gone and locked behind the metallic doors. He breathed in, the engine started and the noise it made was loud and unwelcoming. He held his breath and the ship lifted up in the air, trembling a bit. The transport ship disappeared into hyperspace and he let out a deep breath.

Somehow, he felt lighter.

Somehow, he felt like he didn’t miss out on a chance.

The man laughed, wholeheartedly, and took a step forward to pat Finn’s good arm.

“Come on, kid,” he said. “You can show me around. It’s been a while since I’ve last been on a military base.”

Finn laughed and he never thought he’d step back into the base but there he was. The walls weren’t suffocating him so much anymore. The panic he’d been feeling was slowly vanishing and the feeling that he'd made the right choice was taking its place. He made a mental note to never make a choice when he was panicking.

“I’m new around here, actually,” Finn said. He headed towards the main entrance, where he knew they would find things easily. “Where do you need to go?”

“I need to meet the General,” he replied. “She’s waiting for me.”

“Wait. The General?” he asked and he eyed the man. He said he was here for family and friends. Did he just spend an entire hour pouring his heart out to _Luke Skywalker_? He really didn’t look like a Jedi and if he was Luke, where was Rey? Then he remembered, friend. Was he a friend of the General?

“I’m here for the funeral,” the man answered, stopping in the middle of the room. His smile was sad and Finn was already used to it. “Han Solo was a friend of mine. I fought with him many years ago.”

“I’m sorry.” He could still see him dying before his eyes and the feeling of doing nothing still haunted him at night.

“It’s war. I’m surprised he made it that far. He was pretty reckless.” The sad smile was still there.

“I guess he was.” Finn pointed behind the man’s back. “I think you’ll find the General over there. You can always ask around.”

“Thanks, kid. Hey, I don’t even know your name.”

Finn’s mouth fell open and he couldn’t help but laugh. He hadn’t even bothered to ask. He never had to learn names, just numbers, and asking was not something he was used to do.

“I’m Finn,” he replied, extending his hand. The man shook it vigorously.

“Nice to meet you, Finn. I’m Kes Dameron.”

Finn could almost feel his eyes dangle from his head, shock guiding their movements. “Wait. _Dameron_?”

“Dad?”

Both men turned around at the same time and Finn couldn’t tell if Poe was more shocked to see him there or his father shaking his hand. His _father_.

“Poe!”

Kes left his bag on the floor and ran to his son – _his son_ – and wrapping his arms around him, he lifted Poe up in a hug. “Oh, my boy! I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too, pa,” Poe said, his face still painted with confusion but with a bit more of happiness. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for Leia,” Kes answered, putting Poe back on the ground. Sometimes, he forgot he was a grown man. “And for Han. They were both there for us when your mama died. And of course, I’m here for you, too, son.”

Poe smiled at his father but his eyes almost immediately drifted back to Finn, who was standing quite awkwardly in the middle of the room. He tried to wave at Poe and smile, but his hands were trembling. He felt a pinch of panic hit his guts when Kes looked back and forth between the two of them and when his eyes lightened up Finn knew _he knew_.

“I can find my way from here,” Kes said, going back to pick up his bag. “See you later, son.”

Poe nodded, taking a few steps forward, and Kes didn’t really leave. He greeted BB-8 – Finn hadn’t even seen him there and he hoped the droid didn’t notice or he would never hear the end of it – and with the droid, he stood a few meters from them, watching. Finn wasn’t sure he was watching but he could feel his gaze puncture his skull.

Finn didn’t like the silence that was falling around them and his mouth spoke straight away. “You’re back.”

Poe smiled, almost laughing. “Yeah, I came back a couple of hours ago.”

“How did the mission go?”

“Good. A couple of pilots got injured but they’ll be fine.”

“Good. That’s good.”

And there it was again, the silence. This time, it was Poe who broke it.

“I went to the medbay,” Poe said. “You weren’t there. Kalonia said you left.”

“I...yeah, I left.”

“She also told me you asked her to tell me goodbye.”

“I did that, too.”

“I thought I wouldn’t see you again.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Are you...is the ship about to leave?”

Finn could hear the fear and the caution in his voice and he didn’t like it. He shook his head, smiling. “No, it already left. I didn’t take it.”

“Why?” Poe sounded surprised but most of all _hopeful_. Tragically hopeful. When Finn looked at Kes, who was smiling at them, Poe followed his gaze and looked at Finn with questioning eyes.

“Let’s just say I had a good talk with your dad. But I didn’t know he was your dad until like...one minute ago?”

“My dad talked you into staying?”

“Kind of, yeah. He told me that I don’t have to belong with the Resistance to stay. That I can belong with people and stay because of them.”

Finn expected to see the Poe he was used to; bright, happy, cheerful. What he got was serious and fearful eyes and Finn wanted Poe to smile but his mouth was shut tight and he looked like he was shaking.

“It’s not just about belonging with something, or someone. There’s a war going on. Right now, staying means fighting.”

“Someone once told me that this is also my fight.” Finn smiled but Poe didn’t. “You were right, I’m part of this galaxy and if I actually want to live my life, I have to help you win this war and I can. I know things about the First Order that might be useful. I can at least try.”

“Are you sure about this?”

For a man who wanted Finn to stay, Poe surely was making sure Finn understood what he was getting himself into. And Finn loved that about him, how he wanted to make sure he was okay.

“Running away was impulsive,” Finn replied. “I was scared and I just wanted to live. But I’ll never get to live with the First Order still out there, destroying planets and taking lives. And I’m not sure I’ll be happy without the people I love.”

“The one you belong with.”

“Exactly. I’ve never had someone who mattered so much. I didn’t even have real friends, just people who followed my lead and there was rarely someone I could talk to. Everything’s changed since I defected. I’ve found someone.”

Poe nodded and he lowered his gaze, hands on his hips, and Finn could see a faint smile on his mouth.

“It won’t take Rey long to come back,” Poe said.

“I wasn’t talking about her.” Poe’s head shot back up and Finn laughed. “Okay, I was _also_ talking about her, but it’s not the same. I mean, it’s different, she’s my friend and you’re also my friend but it’s different because-because. It’s different.”

There it was, the talk about feelings, about love, and he didn’t like how his words just didn’t make sense.

“What's different?” Poe asked, carefully, arms hanging down as he took a step forward.

“The way I feel about her. She’s just my friend.”

“What about me?”

“I’m not sure yet. I think I feel something more than friendship.”

Finn felt his heart free itself from all the weight he had put on it. The bad feelings, the fear of leaving, it all melted away when Poe smiled at him and the happiness he was used to see came back to brighten their mood.

Poe took a step closer and it was enough to make their chests almost touch. He lifted a hand and he rested it on Finn’s neck, bringing him closer.

“Wait,” Finn said as he felt Poe’s breath warm his lips.

“What?”

He wanted this, wanted to feel more warmth and good feelings, but nervousness hit him hard. “Your dad’s watching us.”

Poe almost snorted with a laugh. “So?”

“Well, I almost ran away. I’m not sure he’s going to like the idea of you kissing me. What if he thinks I’ll eventually run away?”

“Will you?”

The wariness and fear were gone from Poe’s voice but Finn had to take a minute to think about it. He couldn’t promise it, not because he wanted to actually run away, but because he knew life was unpredictable and promising something was dangerous. He could still tell the truth, though. “I think I have more reasons to stay than to leave.”

“That’s enough for me and trust me, it’ll be also for him.”

Poe didn’t waste any more time and he closed the gap between their lips and Finn felt his heart explode with excitement. He could feel all of Poe’s relief in the kiss, the chance of having a future together melting with their feelings. His hands gripped his waist, to keep himself balanced and to feel all of Poe's warmth against his body. When their lips parted, he breathed out and smiled.

“Well, that took less than I thought.”

They turned around and saw the General smirking, Kes’ arm wrapped around her waist. He was holding back a laugh and when the General shook her head, they turned around and left.

Poe’s laugh made Finn’s sudden agitation disappear – he still wasn’t used to how differently people behaved in the Resistance, even though he liked this kind of freedom – and as they both looked at each other, Finn felt like he had made the right choice. Poe brought a hand to his face and caressed his cheek, gently. Finn thought he was in love.

“Did you eat?” Poe suddenly asked.

“No. I didn’t really get the chance,” Finn answered. He hadn’t thought about eating when he was planning on running away. Thinking back about it, running away only made him make bad choices.

“Let’s go and have breakfast.”

Poe took a step back but he took Finn’s hand and everything was fine.

 

* * *

 

Finn never once doubted his choice of staying.

When they mourned their losses, Han Solo’s body burning in the field behind the base, he thought, _That could be me one day_ , and turning around he realised, _That could be Poe tomorrow_.

War brought more death than peace and he knew they could die any day, but still, he didn’t regret staying.

Kes teased them, endlessly, and as Poe groaned, frustrated, Finn laughed because he didn’t actually mind the teasing. He felt at ease with them and the laughs their conversations brought made his heart feel lighter. He really didn’t regret staying when all he could think of was, _I could die tomorrow but today’s worth it._

And he loved his new life, the chance he got to be on the right side of history, and he loved Poe.

At night, when no one could see them, Finn would curl up with Poe in their new bed and Poe would hold him as close as he could. He was even more of a cuddler than Finn was and he loved physical contact.

“Thank you.”

Poe wrapped his arms around Finn’s waist and kissed his head. “What for?”

Finn’s hand travelled over his chest and it stopped right above Poe’s heart. He could almost feel it beating.

“You gave a name and a jacket,” he replied. He looked up and Poe smiled at him. And he knew. “And you gave me a home, too.”

His words made Poe's eyes shine bright and Finn could see tears behind them. Poe tightened his grip and reached down to kiss Finn on the lips.

“I love you.”

Finn smiled, eyes closed, lips on Poe’s. “I love you, too.”

And he knew he'd found his home.

**Author's Note:**

> I can only hope you guys didn't read all the characters tags and were surprised that the man Finn was talking with was Kes. If not, I still hope you enjoyed the one-shot!
> 
> Thanks for reading! ♥


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